I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
