You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
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