Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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