I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize