6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
