I think I just saw someone hide a body.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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