Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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