1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
where does the pee come out of this thing
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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