Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'm really busy with my period
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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