I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
