Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
