I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I want a musical about memes.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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