Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
