if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
Need sex. Gaining weight.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
