Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
