Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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