don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
