I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
