this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
