Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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