Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
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