Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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