Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
