I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
