Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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