My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
