My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
