I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize