Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
This ain't no lie cnn says sonny n cher's dtr chastity is going to have sex reassignment surgery to become a man named chaz
Not surprised. I always thought Cher was a very passable post op transexual.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
