I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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