I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
