SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize