working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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