Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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