its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
