just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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