This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Just took my morning after pill in the library
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
