its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
