Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
