i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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