Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
