I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize