Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
