At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dignity is for republicans.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
