Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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