Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
