So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Randomize
