I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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