Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
