Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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