omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
