i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize
