remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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