My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
