Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
