Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
