i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
wow bdsm is so cute
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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