if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
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