Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
