obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
